Country:United States State:Illinois Metro:Chicago Birthday:6/2/1978 Gender:Male
Interests:I'm the sort of guy who knits while watching football, and sings "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" opera-style at Wrigley Field. My interests are all over the place Expertise:better living through self-delusion Occupation:Marketing Industry:Retirement Living
I am now writing what I anticipate will be my last post to this weblog.
My departure is simply part of a natural evolution of life, as opposed to something for which there is a specific catalyst. Meaning, it's nothing anyone said or did, it's just time to move on. Also known as, "It's not you, it's me."
When I started this weblog back in February 2001, it was for one specific purpose - to come to terms with my sexual identity.
In the eight years since, I have come to terms with myself as a gay man (and how!). I've been in love, I've been in lust. I've been heartbroken, and I've even managed to break a heart or two.
I've become much more publicly visible on this weblog than I ever expected when I was in the bedroom in Gainesville, FL eight years ago. That may be one reason why I'm leaving - I was always able to enjoy a certain anonymity when I posted here, even though I knew a few people from Real Life™ followed my weblog, including Mommy Dearest. I don't really feel like I have that anonymity anymore.
I may or may not resume blogging elsewhere. If I do so, I'm not going to announce it here. That would seem rather counter-productive to my quest for anonymity.I probably won’t be completely impossible to find – after all, there’s a certain Uvon Quality that just can’t be shut down.But I will be avoiding all mention of my name and identity.
I'm not going to shut this down entirely. I've "met" more than a few people who I wouldn't mind one day meeting in Real Life™ (i.e. Christine), and even met a few people in Real Life™ whom I've found particularly engaging (i.e. Mike, Karl). So I will keep up with those and other blogs that I've come across through the years. I'm just not going to be contributing anything here anymore.
Or, at least, that's the plan. My plans do change from time to time. For now, the plan is to move on.
A friend from high school is going through a pretty rough patch, and has made a couple gloomy Facebook posts lamenting her situation. One of her posts said something to the effect of "I don't want pity."
I didn't give her any pity. But it did start me thinking about the idea of pity. There are two examples of pity in fiction that have stayed with me through the years. The first is from The Lord of the Rings. Frodo laments that it is a pity that Bilbo didn't kill the creature Gollum when he had the chance. Gandalf replies, "Pity? It was pity that stayed his hand." Gandalf goes on to explain the wisdom of sparing Gollum's life, which happens to also be the basis for my views against the death penalty, but that's a topic for another time.
The second one, which for me is stronger, comes from the movie Chocolat. After Armande's diabetes is revealed to Vianne, Armande (portrayed by the incomparable Judi Dench) leaves the chocolaterie and says in a withering tone, "Don't you dare pity me."
I have to admit that part of why I like that is because it's a pretty bad-ass thing to say, and Judi Dench does bad-ass as well as anyone else out there.
But I think it speaks to a larger concern that there are situations where pity is not useful, and, in fact, would be unwelcome. I think pity would be especially vile if it were coming from someone who has no concept of the type of situation they were pitying. In other words, pity from someone who hasn't walked a mile in your shoes is going to come off as phony and insincere at best.
However, what good does pity do? I can't think of a single instance in my life, or in the lives of those dearest to me, where the receipt of pity had any benefit. It's sort of like being told that my airplane seat can be used as a flotation device. Nice to know, but doesn't do much damn good when you realize that there are very few bodies of water between Chicago and Jacksonville (my most frequent flight). Granted, Chicago is on Lake Michigan, and Jacksonville is on the Atlantic Ocean, but other than that, I think there are maybe two rivers of any significance on the flight path.
The conclusion I've drawn from this is that the only real pity you can trust is from someone who's been there before. However, because of his/her experience, s/he knows that pity won't do you any good.
This is something that needs a little more fleshing out, but my writing muscles are out of practice. I'll get back to it soon.
Mondays, of late, have not been good nights for me.
The problem is that I have too much time to myself to think. Idle thinking has always been something of a risky activity for me, and circumstances are such that they've been especially poisonous lately.
I have not been completely forthcoming about my relationship with Joe in this weblog. There are a few reasons for this, but one of the principal excuses is that there are certain people who read this blog and also know me in Real Life™, and I'd rather not disclose these details to them. There are probably 4-5 people in Real Life™ who know the situation, and I think a couple others who have a passing knowledge, and I'm fine with that number.
Suffice it to say that there is an issue that has colored this relationship. I have been, by all accounts, the very model of patience and understanding. But, after seven months, the issue still has an almost tangible presence. When I am left alone to my thoughts for too long, it bothers me. I either simply don't understand the depth of the issue, or I'm not the means through which he will find resolution. When I'm on my own, my mind plays Merry Hell with the latter prospect. If that's the case, there's no shame in it, but our mutual integrity is called into question if we don't address it.
There have been days where Joe has said something or done something that I've interpreted as, "Wait a second, he's making a breakthrough, we're moving in the right direction, things are good," or variation on that theme. But it seems that no sooner do I start to nurture that spark of confidence than a screen or shield of some sort manifests itself and I can tell he's dis-engaged.
It's the back-and-forth nature of it, the one-step-forward-two-steps-back feeling that crushes me. If it were one or the other, I could develop a game plan. But sometimes it seems that I don't know which version of Joe I have from one day to the next. I don't know where things stand, for good or for ill, and I can't build any sort of confidence from that. Even if it were a consistently negative or unfortunate situation, that gives me something I can use...the back and forth is more than I know what to do with.
As I've established before, Hot Mess is not a good color on me. I came to this realization 5 or 6 years ago, and I've been fighting ever since then to maintain an imperturbable emotional discipline. There are parts of that mindset that are decidedly not to my credit, but it's kept me fairly clear-headed.
But with Joe, there are nights where I swear I'd cry if my eyes could remember how. There's such a complete lack of certainty that I can't tether myself to anything.
This abundance of emotion probably says several things about me and to me which warrant exploration, but I'm so completely lost right now that I don't even know where I should start. I need something conclusive from which to work, and I feel that I have nothing.
So, here's the issue. It's one that I've waited to come along for quite some time now, and I'm rather impressed that I've made it this long.
I have a problem that I want to talk out of my system, but I'm not comfortable doing so here. Too many people who know me in Real Life™ read this blog, and that's just too close to home for the subject at hand.
So, what do I do? There's part of me that says, after over 8 years at Xanga, it's time to pack up and move on to a new site, and start fresh. Notify the dozen or so people that I wouldn't mind following me (assuming they still read this), and begin a fresh new blog somewhere else.
Of course, the problem with that, aside from packing up an eight year history, is that I would have a hell of a time picking out a good handle. Nothing says "Uvon" quite like, well, "Uvon." Unfortunately, simply becoming "Uvon" somewhere else leaves me too easily found by those who I would prefer not follow me...especially since those are the people keeping me from saying what I want to say right now.
Friday evening, I made plans with my friend Dan. I went over to his place with a bottle of wine, he prepared a light dinner, and we just chatted for about four hours. Good stuff. Talked about our various grievances and boy troubles.
Yep, Boy Troubles.
I started freaking out last week over the situation with Joe. It was to the extent that I was probably what would count as "manic" for me. In that, I was feeling emotions and they were distracting me more than usual.
I don't believe I've talked about Joe's issues. Suffice it to say that his ex did a number on him, and he's still dealing with that pain. Which is part of why we've moved as slowly as we have. The slow pace sometimes starts to make me insecure and paranoid. Last week those feelings were heightened.
I neither want nor intend to be a victim of Joe's past. That said, I'm also crazy about him, and I do believe there's a future with him. Otherwise, I probably would have given up by now.
Saturday, I was able to talk to Joe about it a little bit. Basically, he'd already perceived that he was at least part of why I'd been upset for most of the week, and I took the opportunity to vent my frustrations and he talked a little bit more about what was in his mind. I don't know that we necessarily accomplished anything, but I was able to get it out of my system. It might be a little strange for a few days, but I think we're going to be fine.
Yesterday and today I decided to waste as much time as possible. However, I did manage to do some paperwork despite that, trying to prepare for a Chicago Chamber Choir board meeting next weekend. I probably need to do a little bit more with it, but I laid a lot of groundwork. I was elected as Secretary of the Board last month, and so trying to go through everything from my predecessor has presented a slight challenge. I will be improving the processes of the office.
There should have been something else to say, but I can't remember it now. Be good!
